IT’S REASONABLE TO ASK FOR HELP

by Kaiulani Kimbrell

Somewhere along the road of life I stopped trusting people. I would ask for help, but feel so filled with guilt and shame, sure that they would never want to hang with me again once they saw what a burden I was.  I’d go around trying to impress everyone and then the minute I had a problem or ugly flaw of character, I would run away. This resistance to reaching out seemed in odd juxtaposition to my tendency towards co dependence and over attachment, but I quickly came to see that only a person with codependent tendencies could be plagued with these worries because they are so overly attached to what others think about them. For me, underneath that codependency lived a deep-seated belief that if I revealed myself “they,” the person of the moment, would leave.

Most of these abandonment issues stem from childhood and then every relationship following gets to be a surrogate for the initial wound. But I also think it’s a human condition to feel vulnerable when we reach out, because we are putting our hearts in our hands and basically saying that we’re finite and not perfect and need each other. It’s a beautiful thing really. But if that trust from an authority figure has been misused or abused at some point early on when our brains were developing, perception can become skewed and life can become lonely and isolating fast.

Truthfully, many people in some form or another have left or “rejected” me in my life. But oddly enough, in this conscious recognition of that worst fear realized, I am learning to trust. There is not so much to lose when you’ve already lost what you wanted. And what do you have to fear in changing when life isn’t working out as it is?  In 12 step recovery groups, they call these rock bottoms. When things get bad…. Painful enough, we become willing to change; we begin to experience humility that maybe our way isn’t working super well.

My own struggles with this have led me to open up and reveal my frailties and humanness more with others.

Unfortunately, a cognitive understanding of our worthiness to receive love and help is not typically enough to combat the years of deep rooted beliefs and experiences convincing us otherwise. Old conditioning of the mind is powerful and takes time and practice to overcome. There’s a reason why there are so many therapists in the world! Like learning a new language, when it comes to changing our minds and approaches to living that are no longer working, time, patience, commitment and practice are essential.

Here are a few things I find helpful in changing.

1. Whenever I go into shame based thinking, I return to a time when I felt that as a child and I dialogue with the kid in me. I love on her and let her speak, offering her a ton of TLC. This is the opposite of “woo-woo” teddy bear holding; this is tough, courageous and life changing practice. I have deep respect for anyone that does this work. Essentially, we are re-parenting ourselves so that we can live differently today.

2. I help others. The more I find myself helping others, the easier I find it is to receive help. Helping others brings joy and purpose to my life, thus I begin to see that it is perhaps not such the burden for others to help me that I thought it was.

3. I detach. Something greater then us is the one who moves hearts to give. I am not in control of how others will feel when I ask for help, or how they will respond.
Have you ever tried to get a guy or girl to like you when they were into someone else? Or have you ever been pursued by someone that you maybe cared for but didn’t like in “that way”? It’s a great lesson in learning that there are greater forces at work than simply what we want in any given moment. And to each their own.
Most people won’t help if they don’t want to. So if they are helping, receive it and don’t worry. They are choosing to be a part of your life and process. If they’re not, there’s usually not much you can do about it!
We simply put it out there and make others aware. They will do what they do. If I find myself tripping out and feeling guilty or obsessed, I go back to tool # 1.

4. I have with time begun to develop a group of friends and family who love on me. Find those safe people in your life who think you’re rad no matter what. Who will love you, but not enable you.

5. I inventory my own resentments and where am I judging others. My judgments, resentments and fears towards other people (or their pets) are always a wonderful teacher and gateway back to my own wounds that I need to face and heal. Again, back to tool 1- where do I know this from my past? What would a loving parent do with this child who was feeling judged or criticized, etc.

6. Appreciate and extend gratitude. People may love us unconditionally, but they are still people and we all need to know we are appreciated. Don’t be afraid to take that extra action to thank people in your life. I don’t believe we have “to do” in order to be worthy of love. But we can take action to give back the love that we so freely receive for simply being who we are.

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