A lot of people have been asking me about this lately.
Here is a resource and information for yourself or those you know who may be suffering. I don’t personally agree or endorse everything on the NEDA site, but this and the following are good starting points for more information and action.
Much Love:
“No one can give you freedom but you…” -Byron Katie
Freedom is like tasting everything as if it is for the first time. It is a loss of past associations that created unnecessary pain that triggered us to act and react in ways that were harmful to others and ourselves. It’s an uncovering, discovering and discarding of personal, family or societal rules that created bondage, judgment and life depleting thoughts and actions.
Freedom is making rules that work FOR your life not against your life, rules that are built upon life giving principles of surrender and trust.
Freedom is clarity of mind. It is living in faith and ease that you’ll know… when you know.
Freedom is being so empowered by the beauty of your own self, that all you can see is the beauty in others, and the world around you, even in their worst moments.
Freedom is unyielding gratitude that just flows and flows and flows. 
Freedom is putting principles before personalities. And not being afraid of pain, because today you know your way out of pain… you know to question your thoughts and turn them around until you’ve moved from your false reality into your new one.
Freedom is when you realize how friggin cool everyone is and how cool you are, and that isn’t everyone so darn lucky to simply just be in the same room with one another!!!
Freedom = true self-empowerment that comes from a self-realization of the Divine bounty of who you really are. That cool kid in High School you always wanted to be, metaphorically speaking, is you. You ARE that kid. You are he or she. You are cool. Cool as can be. Cuz you are You.
When life feels depressing, lonely, confusing, purposeless or just plain overwhelming, let’s check out the rules we’ve picked up over the years. These rules may be so unconscious and old that you have just assumed they are reality. But Freedom is dumping the reality we think we know on its head and being open to an entirely new experience.
I honor you. I respect you. And so do more people in your life then you probably know or realize. I would place a bet on it. Here’s a test: How would you walk into a room differently or make a phone call differently if you truly believed everyone on the other end was waiting for you with admiration and love; that they wanted you there. That you had something to contribute.
When we truly know our own worth and value our own authentic presence, we are free.
Happy New Year! It’s good to be back on the blog and home from many weeks of travel! I have never felt so empowered, positive, grateful. I feel transformed out of the shackles of old bondage and catapulted into a new freedom of being. A freedom of being my Self, which I (like you) have the privilege of uncovering everyday.
I wanted to write these past 2 and a half months while traveling from Central America to Hawaii and a handful of the other 49 states, and it didn’t happen. Directing and producing a film is time consuming! Not to mention I’ve been in the boonies for a lot of it. But my fears of getting back into the groove are temporarily, if not permanently dissuaded, for here I am, day 1 and 2 of being back home and I have been salivating to write, and taking action by doing it!
I thought I’ d start with a much needed, hopefully not too dull recap of where the heck I have been since mid October…. So for those of you who care and are interested in a digital journal entry…. here we go…. I’ll strive for some more exciting entries as the year progresses…. I promise!
In October I started at Bioneers up in San Francisco, spending a weekend with the elite, accomplished and innovative minds in the sustainable agriculture /environmental movement, a highlight being meeting the great musician Imogen Heap who expressed interest in writing music for our film.
I then headed to Honduras with Love Does, where we lived and served in a slum called Nueva Suyapa. My heart guided me to these new friends and this trip. I had to go. And I did. On this trip I learned a new definition of poverty and what true love looks like. I also learned that I could truly thrive anywhere. This trip changed my life. I am forever a better person and more enriched because of it. It is a piece in a continuum of study and experience of homelessness, poverty and Love.
From there, back in the states, I made a short, spontaneous trip North to express my love to a soul mate of my heart, getting to collect even more frequent flyer miles along the way.
And then off to Hawaii, where I spent Nov 1- December 15.
During this time I directed and produced a documentary called Recreating The Garden. The talent and passions of Viviana Rivera, Jennifer Tapp, Aaron Schmidt and Victoria Linssen joined me. We were a crew involved with a larger documentary travel trip with Brooks Institute. We met up with the full 12 over thanksgiving in Maui and finished our journey together in Oahu. All together we shot on Big Island, Maui, Kauai and Oahu. We shot for a total of 42 days straight without stopping. Many stories and specific updates can be read on the recreatingthegarden.com website.
We have since wrapped the film and begin editing next week/ Mid January.
From Oahu I flew to NY to see and help my inspiring friend and wonderful photographer Chelsey pack up from NY and head back to her home in Malibu. I visited family and friends in the Big Apple, including the incredible indie filmmaker Ian Cheney and my cousin Christopher St. John.
Broadway, being a staple of my childhood and heart, was a must and I saw a couple Broadway shows. Must warn that Follies, I hate to say was a horrible musical, but meeting Bernadette Peters for the second time was divine. Other Desert Cities was one of the best plays I have ever seen and if you’re in NY and want to see a straight play, I can’t recommend it enough.
My mom, like a rock star came down to NYC to play with me in the Christmas Spirit. What a treat! We got the usual mob of Christmas time at Rockefeller Center and then took off on my good old friend the Amtrak train to DC. (I used to take that trip almost every week!)
From there I hung out with my parents through Christmas seeing friends and family along the way, most especially my dear friend and music collaborator Jeffrey Morris and my Aunt Elizabeth, recently returned from living abroad in France.
I visited the Occupy movement in DC and interview them and see what was going on within that community first hand. Very interesting.
I got to be reminded of the awesome, inspiring, creative, divine, quirky, totally RAD people my parents are and we got to Skype my exceptionally handsome, smart, big hearted and hip brother in Germany where he was spending Christmas with his new job, gorgeous girlfriend and her family.
It was a Beautiful Christmas with my parents and extended family (Regina and Sam you too!). I love you both so much!
(OK we’re almost done)
Back on a plane to L.A. where I dropped my things off in Carpinteria, where my temporary residence is, and then back into L.A. where I house surfed from friend to friend to catch up and spend time after almost 10 weeks away.
Whew, and now, here I am, in front of my computer with silence and space. I have grown accustomed to the nonstop adventures, and feel a bit reticent of this leg of the journey completing, but enjoying the time to reflect, and realizing that it is all always flowing into the next thing. God, I am blessed.
The main thing that came from my trip is gratitude. Tony Robbins words it like this, “What’s wrong is always available, and so is what is right.” Once you start focusing on what’s right it just keeps growing and growing and builds on itself until the rest is cleared up like a big garbage truck taking it all away and leaving you clean, lighter and open with less rules and more acceptance to play, have fun and be with others.
More trust- everything in my life is up in the air for me right now. No definites- from career to relationships to home. And I don’t have to know the answer to any single of the questions I have running though my brain that my mind wants to figure out so it can be in control! I’ll know when I know and in the meantime I am living the famous Emerson line that life is a journey, not a destination. I just keep moving towards what feels good. Not chocolate cake/watching movies all day for a week type of feel good. That is called numbing. But the feel good that is exciting and enticing and life enriching, not life depleting.
So that is my recap of the last two and a half months in my life… would love to hear of yours too.
Wishing you the most amazing blessings for this New Year and this very moment within this New Year. 
Much Love & Thank you for reading!
I just came back from a life changing trip to Honduras with a wonderful group called Love Does. It’s been exactly one week since I returned and I am living with the experience daily and allowing the thoughts and questions posed before, during and now after to stew within me. I actually jumped straight into another documentary trip which has kept me from finding time to write more deeply about what is in my heart from this experience, but it will come! I look forward to sharing on my perspective of poverty and how I’m coming to see poverty beyond the traditional concept.
In the meantime, here are some pictures of the children; a true light in a country struggling in so many ways. They loved having their photos taken! And I loved taking them!
Lately, in reading some of the writings of Napoleon Hill (the old timer, uber famous motivational speaker), I have been struck by his simplicity of addressing desire.
I had a lot of desire growing up. I was obsessed and consumed with dancing and acting. I used to lie in my bed staring at the pastel, horizontal poster of pointe shoes taped to my wall. When most girls were getting tingling feelings about boys, I could imagine nothing else but being on pointe. It had all my focus and attention. 
I trained profusely, resented school for keeping me from my art and felt driven to be on Broadway by the time I was 18. Being the best in ballet or as an actress was an obsession.
In childhood and early teen years, most of us have a strong desire or dream, a point of focus. Maybe yours was music, or being an athlete or pilot…
But a lot of these desires don’t manifest. So what happens?? Why don’t we become the rock star or the famous actress or the NFL football player?
I think some of us simply grow out of our desires, which is a natural process. And Napoleon Hill addresses that unhealthy desires towards self or others will always fall away eventually. Many of my desires were not life giving, but depleting, so it makes sense to me that after a while they were unsustainable to manage and had to be let go of, or else I would not stay alive very long.
But what about the healthy desires that don’t come to term? What happens there?
Here’s what I’m learning and observing. Healthy people learn that failure is a normal and important part of life. Not a sign to stop, but a part of the process of the journey. Those of us not taught a healthy model of failure take it so personally that we begin to pull away at the first signs, or we may overextend and push, till we are lost in an exhausting tirade of our own self will and control.
For those who have met failure, and not carried on, the mistake is in pulling away. The mistake is in believing and assuming you are off track because things aren’t going quite as planned. Or making the failure bigger then in fact it is. Not being rightsized amidst the failure. Hill, says DO NOT PULL AWAY. This can take the subtle forms of doubt, aversion, boredom, apathy, resentment. These are all ego’s way of blocking our creativity- blocking who we really are. Our job is to keep focusing on the desire. Again, if it is an unhealthy desire it will fall away. You don’t have to pull away.
Obsession and focus were never difficult for me in my pursuits, but failure was. I began doubting myself, backing away, second guessing. I personalized failure. I also over personalized success. And thus I began the ongoing and exhausting dance of pushing and pulling away. Making too big of plans, and too big of escape routes. Life can get very busy with this drama, and that is not much of a life at all.
So lesson for me. Failure is ok. Make it a friend. Expect it. Plan for it. Even embrace it. Don’t dwell in it. Say hello to it and move on.
Also, it’s worth the time to make life a laboratory to explore what you want and to take the moments to recalibrate, redefine, and investigate the defining purpose for your self and what you’re committed towards working towards. I do a lot of prayer & meditation with this. It’s not possible to be all things to all people, so it’s my job and privilege to courageously take the journey into who I am, down the path of me.
Starting Stewpot films two weeks ago is a part of that for me. Making and supporting work that encourages, nourishes and enlightens. Being in deep, loving, nourishing, stimulating and exciting, positive, creative relationships with the people I love and am loved by.
So the goal is to not pull away when there is a sense of rejection or failure. But to take the personal initiative to keep walking towards that, which is, what you really want. Because I believe that the what of what we want in life is a call coming from our Highest Mind or Self. And thus listening, following and responsibly taking action towards that call, which is yours and yours alone, is the most noble and exciting journey & path that any of us could ever take.
We were required to shoot a product/ color assignment this week for my photography class and I was fortunate to have my beautiful and extremely gifted photographer friend, Chelsey, model for me. We did a Victoria’s Secret bathing suit / pink color theme. Here are a few of the shots! Needless to say, she made my job kind of easy. She’s stunning!
Shortly after I was 19, and had hit my first couple of “dark nights of the soul,” I began searching.
And oh did I search.
There is not room in this blog to go into the stories of those searches, but one of the first things I found as I stalked the self help, religion and philosophy aisles of Barnes & Noble, was a form of meditation called Insight Meditation. I was living in Northern Virginia at the time, and there was (and still is) a great community called IMCW (Insight Meditation Community of Washington) and every Wednesday night I would go and meditate with Tara Brach who led the practice.
I remember being in the sanctuary, the lights low with a hundred or so of us sitting straight backed on our cushions on the hard wooden floor listening to Tara lead us through the first part of the meditation before we would go into total silence. She would remind us that our thoughts were like clouds passing through, and to not attach on to any one of them. They were going to come, it was inevitable, but the point of meditation wasn’t to not have a thought, that was impossible, but to see and be unattached to the thought. When we don’t latch onto any single “cloud” or thought we allow ourselves the opportunity of getting to see what really lives underneath it all, our true identity. Presence. Reality. And suddenly life, while very important and meaningful, begins to lose it’s excessive drama. In a really nice way.
This past week I was speaking with a dear friend going through lots of changes and mental perseveration, and it was certainly a mirror of how I tend to think as well: “Should I do this or that? Is this right or is that right?” And basically just thinking and worrying to avoid being with what’s underneath it all. And what’s underneath it all, for many of us is usually a lot of old hurt. This sort of attachment to thinking is what addiction is. Doing something excessively to distract from the pain. Choosing one pain to mask a more core underlying one.
We can occupy ourselves so much with thinking and worrying that we shield ourselves from the present moment. And I know that when I get lost in my thinking I have latched onto a whole sky full of clouds and I become lost, literally blocked in that overcast sky of thinking. When people use the term, ‘things became “cloudy”’ well, I think we can take that literally now.
So I said to my beautiful friend, “Imagine you’re a flower” (guys if that’s too girly, any plant will do- be a tomato plant if you want).
“Imagine you’re a flower and all these gusts of wind are coming and your flopping back and forth, back and forth, maybe you’ve even lose a few petals, but your roots are in the soil. You’re firmly planted. You’re here.”
See, my friend, like me, was thinking each gust of wind had to do with the reality of her self. But no, they are really not connected at all. In this example, she’s a flower, the “thinking” is the wind. And because she was confusing herself with the wind, she gave theses gusts lot’s of meaning. She felt she had to make a big decision with each gust.
But honestly, a gust of wind is just a gust of wind. And if you’re a flower, your only job is to be a flower and when wind comes, just let yourself be blown a little bit and surrender. Not take the gusts so personally.
So, the real question for me, is why do I have to keep my mind so mentally busy? What does my busyness fill? What is so loathsome, scary and lonely that a reality of worry, negativity, obsession, fear, second-guessing, resentment, perfectionism or rushing becomes more enticing than a mind at peace?
If you have been on a silent meditation retreat, which I have, and am probably long overdue for one, you know the terror that can come up about halfway through. The mind feels like it is going MAD. Literally. The detox from excessive thought is like a detox from drugs and it can be excruciating. It is like a death because everything you identified with as reality, all your dogma and beliefs and ideals, just get shattered. And you see what remains. It’s the most profound experience. To be truly still and to discover for oneself what is ultimately unchanging. It is not a dead or passive state at all. It is very much alive. It is very much awake and alert, but very much at peace, because there is nothing else to run from.
I am so far from this place today its kind of saddish funny. But I know it exists, because I’ve touched it and lived it. And I LOVE that I get to learn about who I am through my often busy and worried mind because the worry gets so bad it forces me into an inquiry to uncover and heal my fear of presence and my addiction to thought, worry and obsession to getting things right.
For those of us that think to the point of dysfunction, these were often advanced coping mechanisms we used to survive as a small child, but they can really complicate and louse up an adult life.
Oh compassion, as we learn, grow and change…
What scares you? Do you keep a busy life and or consistent crisis in your life to keep yourself safe and from feeling alone? I want to hear from you.
Busy Mind or Still Mind, you’re not alone. We’re all just flowers blowin in the wind.
Love, Kaiulani
PS: Although I do meditate daily, I don’t practice Insight Meditation today. I sort of do a compilation of many things I’ve learned over the years, which boils down to sitting and being still for a few moments each day… I recommend it. I don’t sit on an uncomfortable cushion anymore either. I graduated to a comfy chair, my bed or leaning againt the back of a tree if I’m outside. 
Just a quickie blog here to say: Stay Tuned for some exciting info regarding a documentary film three of my colleagues and I at A New Awareness Media are making. The film is titled Recreating The Garden and we are currently in pre-production mode. I can’t wait to tell you more about it! But to start I can say this much. We’re hopping on a plane Nov. 1st to Hawaii to tell a story to inspire, lift and reveal.
Over the next several weeks Viv, Jenn and I will be releasing more details about the film, plus ways you can be involved! Making movies is a team effort and there are going to be oodles of options to be a part of this team for those of you that want to be.
In the meantime, we’re working hard and just getting super excited… and we definitely want to share that excitement with you! And we will!
RECREATING THE GARDEN… Stay Tuned….!
Somewhere along the road of life I stopped trusting people. I would ask for help, but feel so filled with guilt and shame, sure that they would never want to hang with me again once they saw what a burden I was. I’d go around trying to impress everyone and then the minute I had a problem or ugly flaw of character, I would run away. This resistance to reaching out seemed in odd juxtaposition to my tendency towards co dependence and over attachment, but I quickly came to see that only a person with codependent tendencies could be plagued with these worries because they are so overly attached to what others think about them. For me, underneath that codependency lived a deep-seated belief that if I revealed myself “they,” the person of the moment, would leave.
Most of these abandonment issues stem from childhood and then every relationship following gets to be a surrogate for the initial wound. But I also think it’s a human condition to feel vulnerable when we reach out, because we are putting our hearts in our hands and basically saying that we’re finite and not perfect and need each other. It’s a beautiful thing really. But if that trust from an authority figure has been misused or abused at some point early on when our brains were developing, perception can become skewed and life can become lonely and isolating fast. 
Truthfully, many people in some form or another have left or “rejected” me in my life. But oddly enough, in this conscious recognition of that worst fear realized, I am learning to trust. There is not so much to lose when you’ve already lost what you wanted. And what do you have to fear in changing when life isn’t working out as it is? In 12 step recovery groups, they call these rock bottoms. When things get bad…. Painful enough, we become willing to change; we begin to experience humility that maybe our way isn’t working super well.
My own struggles with this have led me to open up and reveal my frailties and humanness more with others.
Unfortunately, a cognitive understanding of our worthiness to receive love and help is not typically enough to combat the years of deep rooted beliefs and experiences convincing us otherwise. Old conditioning of the mind is powerful and takes time and practice to overcome. There’s a reason why there are so many therapists in the world! Like learning a new language, when it comes to changing our minds and approaches to living that are no longer working, time, patience, commitment and practice are essential.
Here are a few things I find helpful in changing.
1. Whenever I go into shame based thinking, I return to a time when I felt that as a child and I dialogue with the kid in me. I love on her and let her speak, offering her a ton of TLC. This is the opposite of “woo-woo” teddy bear holding; this is tough, courageous and life changing practice. I have deep respect for anyone that does this work. Essentially, we are re-parenting ourselves so that we can live differently today.
2. I help others. The more I find myself helping others, the easier I find it is to receive help. Helping others brings joy and purpose to my life, thus I begin to see that it is perhaps not such the burden for others to help me that I thought it was.
3. I detach. Something greater then us is the one who moves hearts to give. I am not in control of how others will feel when I ask for help, or how they will respond.
Have you ever tried to get a guy or girl to like you when they were into someone else? Or have you ever been pursued by someone that you maybe cared for but didn’t like in “that way”? It’s a great lesson in learning that there are greater forces at work than simply what we want in any given moment. And to each their own.
Most people won’t help if they don’t want to. So if they are helping, receive it and don’t worry. They are choosing to be a part of your life and process. If they’re not, there’s usually not much you can do about it!
We simply put it out there and make others aware. They will do what they do. If I find myself tripping out and feeling guilty or obsessed, I go back to tool # 1.
4. I have with time begun to develop a group of friends and family who love on me. Find those safe people in your life who think you’re rad no matter what. Who will love you, but not enable you.
5. I inventory my own resentments and where am I judging others. My judgments, resentments and fears towards other people (or their pets) are always a wonderful teacher and gateway back to my own wounds that I need to face and heal. Again, back to tool 1- where do I know this from my past? What would a loving parent do with this child who was feeling judged or criticized, etc.
6. Appreciate and extend gratitude. People may love us unconditionally, but they are still people and we all need to know we are appreciated. Don’t be afraid to take that extra action to thank people in your life. I don’t believe we have “to do” in order to be worthy of love. But we can take action to give back the love that we so freely receive for simply being who we are.
Yesterday my friend Bob Goff posted this beautiful line on twitter, “I used to think that real love involved falling for someone; but now I think it usually involves standing for someone.”
I love this, and it made me ask, “Whom am I standing for?” And “Who are the people standing for me in my life?”
Who are you standing for? Who stands for you?
In my curiosity of the Bible and its teachings, I was recently reminded that Jesus had 12 disciples. That’s it. He had intimacy with really only 12 people. He loved and connected with all he encountered, but at the end of the day, he stood for 12. There is a whole world out there and in our human, finite form it’s not possibly to have deep relational experiences with every person on a daily basis. Thus, many of us fall through the cracks and end up in the troubles of our isolated minds or sick thinking.
From my basic understandings, Jesus devoted his life to those 12 disciples because he too was only human. But even here, amongst his 12, one fell through the cracks. Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver and later committed suicide. Sound familiar for today’s world too, right? A betrayal, a loss of hope, a death. Here Judas, was one of the 12 men to walk with the Son of God, (that’s huge!) and he got lost in the cracks. If he could get lost, then what about the rest of us- any of us can.
How many of us are getting lost in the cracks now, or have at some point? Falling through the arms of community into the confines of our TV’s, isolation, or unhealthy people / relationships, some form of hopelessness or lethargy, or such a busy life you’re not present at home? It is so easy to get lost, to fall through. I don’t know about you, but I have so many fiends, so much family, such a busy life, I can hardly keep up with everyone all the time- at least not on a deeply intimate level. I love all those I encounter, but that is different then spending quality time with them; building something with them. And yet this is what we need right? Quality time with a few special people, daily, true relationship. Not just the quick chit chat or “how’s it going?” We are a human race hungry for acceptance, hungry for connection and relationship, hungry for fellowship that breaks the surface and meets the heart.
I remember living in New York being surrounded by thousands of people at any given moment, being brushed by skin to skin on the sidewalks, and I never felt so lonely. We were distant. 
I have fallen through the cracks a few times in my life, but I have always been blessed by the willingness to ask for help and the good fortune of being met with the help and generous arms of others who, as Bob said, stood for me. These people have saved my life on more than one occasion. Having someone stand for you is the most powerful medicine. I think it is the highest calling of every great lawyer or parent and true friend, to stand for another. It fills the heart and soul with an unspeakable value. It is a healing balm that we each deserve. And I’ll tell you right now, it was has almost always been people I didn’t know well, or would never have expected, that have given of themselves to stand for me. It may just be the Plummer who ends up being your grace. You never know. I’ve learned to keep my mind open.
I know we each have doubt. We each have tendencies towards isolation and loneliness, and the capacity to not act in our best interests. If you’re slipping through the cracks and you can see it, ASK FOR HELP. It’s uncomfortable, but it will save your life. And if you don’t get a response, ask someone else. Remember Judas, a regular guy just like us, somehow slipped through and he had Jesus as a buddy. We are all susceptible. A casual interaction with those we love is not enough. We need each other. We need to be stood for by and with each other.
I think it’s dangerous when we assume that those we care about are all right. I am learning to truly inquire into their lives. ASK what I can do for them. Just asking in itself can be healing. They’re worth it. You’re worth it. I’m worth it. We’re worth it. Seek out those who can and will love you for all that you are and ALL THAT YOU ARE BECOMING.
I am reminded daily how self-sufficient I am. But the greatest gift I allow myself is when I let others into the process of my living. Even in a recent move of homes, allowing people to stand for me, help me, is so uncomfortable. My default is to take care of it by myself, stand-alone and not bother anyone. But when I allow the discomfort of being stood for, I allow love in and then all sorts of miraculous things happen, first and foremost being a healing of the heart and acceptance of my own lovability and worth, just for being me. Not because I did or accomplished anything, but just because I am, and that is enough.
And isn’t that what we are looking for, really? Acceptance? Knowing truly that we are great and enough in the eyes of our fellows? Life is relational and I believe true happiness comes from a deep and true interdependence with another. When it comes to life, Love Does. And part of “doing love” is also allowing it to be done to and for you too.
Much Love and endless thanks to those who stand for me. May I do the same.
